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What if I Have Only Few Days Left?

27 Jul

I’m just wondering myself, what if I only have few days left in my life? Let’s say, 15 days? 13 days? 7 days? Or even 1 day left? What will I do or simply say to people I love the most? My parents, siblings, families, best friends, a man I ever want to marry, or any other ones?

Indeed, one day left won’t be enough to do many things. So instead of doing things, maybe writing many stuff will be much better. I think.

People come, people go. It is a natural thing coming in our life. Once we let someone(s) comes, we have to be ready to let him/ her go. When-ever or where-ever it is. Who-ever it is. Sometimes, simply never think that we never have anything is the best way for never losing anything also. Simply think, we never have it, so we don’t need to lose it. Or what-ever it is.

Couple of days ago, a friend of mine, a colleague in my campus, suddenly died of an accident. She was still young, probably the same age of mine, since we’re in the same batch. It draws me to think: What if it was me? What if…?

God, I haven’t told my parents: Ibu, Bapak, that I love them so. I might have said sorry for anything I did wrong in past, but I haven’t said anything like, “I love you so, Mom”, and “I love you so, Dad”, literally or directly. I might have done things so that I can make them proud, to tell them that I won’t let them feel any regret for spending anything to take care of me: love, time, energy, money or anything else. That was why I love to bring trophy when I’m home. Or said, “Hey, Mom, Dad, I’m the top student!” That was why it was a big happiness for me, when saying, “Mom, I won this. Dad, I won this.” That was why it was seems like I’m a bit insane for achievements. It was not merely for me, or how those trophies may be able to draw a better future for me. It was for them. It was self-satisfaction, to bring simple smiles for them, to say I love them.

I feel that I’m a loser, for even never tell my father how much I miss him when once I cried in my dormitory room alone. I’ve missed him for buying me Bakmie Goreng or Nasi Goreng almost every night. I missed him for taking me to my friend’s house for answer even solely one or two questions of my homework. I missed him, even for his snoring when he’s sleeping.

Years’ gone fast. It’s now more than 23 years they’ve raised me. For the last few months, I realize that his hairs grow grey. He looks older. For the last few months, I realize that my mom’s hairs grow grey. She looks older as well.

I wonder if they’re not there anymore. I wonder if someday I cannot find my mom cooks in our kitchen anymore. I wonder if someday I cannot find my father snoring anymore. Or, what if I leave them first? What if I can do anything else for them after today?

Will those be enough to make them proud? Will those be enough for making them never regret to have a kid like me?

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Posted by on July 27, 2012 in child, love, soliloquy

 

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